Doors To Mirrors (Excerpt 160) Inner Peace

“The longer I was with him, the more I asked myself that very question.” Nadja replies and then takes a sip of her wine, her hands are shaking.

Viktor notices that Nadja is visibly shaking but he does not know if this is from the dampness of the house or from the subject matter. Nadja stares at the fire and Viktor remains quiet. He feels if she wishes to pursue the subject, she will. Watching her deep in thought, he cannot help but want to reach out and hold her, but he realizes this is not the time, nor the place to console her. In fact, he believes it would probably frighten her more than anything, but he wants to help her feel safe. It is now that she begins to speak.

“He always wanted my full attention and I lost all of my friends because of his neediness.” She says as she looks down at her fingernails. “I know I allowed it to happen, somehow he made me believe he was the only important person in my life.” She laughs. “He wanted me to be infatuated with only him, and I very quickly was. He wanted me to miss him and sit waiting until I would see him again, but then when I became so attached, he accused me of being too needy and smothering!” Nadja tosses a piece of bark off the log next to her in the fire. “I could not do anything to make him happy, no one will ever be able to. Then, somehow my need to be with him as much as possible became an irritant to him.” She looks into Viktor’s eyes. “He travels a lot for business and he started getting upset if I would leave him messages or ask about his day.” She looks back at the fire. “Thank god we never got married.”

“I’m sorry he hurt you.” Viktor says honestly and he is thankful she cleared up his question on marriage.

“Oh, I look at it now and do not even understand who I was. I gave up everything, it’s my own fault.” She grins to keep from crying. “I don’t think he ever felt loved by his parents and I absolutely hate myself for feeling sorry for him. He had an odd upbringing but all of us have skeletons in our closets.” Nadja pauses for a few seconds. “Even now it bothered me that at first, he did not come after me to win my heart back. He simple discarded me. This proves how confusing and distorted his control of me had become.”

As Nadja wipes a tear from her eye, the conversation dies off for several minutes. The fire is warm and the smell of the burning wood reminds Viktor of Christmas and fun moments as a kid. He wonders if Nadja can ever find her inner peace and he knows one thing for sure, he would like to help her get there.

“Nadja?” Viktor questions.

“Yes?” She replies.

“Did you ever think that when you felt you were not good enough, you were actually over qualified? Better than perfect and he was so insecure he needed to tear you down for it?” Viktor states in a calming voice and again, there is a long span of silence between them.

“Being a perfectionist is a curse, did you know that?” Nadja quizzes and then begins to flush with embarrassment for her voice sounds loud after such a long quiet moment, then she continues is a softer tone.

“We perfectionists beat ourselves up constantly for things no one, other than us, even remembers or thinks about. So no, such a synopsis was never raised as a thought within me.” She pauses as she looks into Viktor’s eyes, almost making him feel nervous. “What you just said though. . . that was beautiful.”


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2 responses

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    December 14, 2016 at 6:14 pm

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